Lots of Goodies

And one baddie. Let’s start with that.

I decided to try my hand at a vegan layer cake. I know what you’re thinking- “You should probably stick to cupcakes.” And after the grossness of it, I would have to agree with you. I’m not posting the recipe or what book I got it from because I don’t think it’s the recipe, I think it’s my lack of awesomeness in the kitchen that effed this one up. It’s called “Five Spice Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Maple Frosting.” Sounds tasty, right? Wrong, chief. Waaaayyyyy too many spices, first off. I think I put in too much ginger or cloves or something crappy that made this cake trigger my gag reflex quicker than a Jessica Simpson music montage. (God, I hate her.) Plus, I could totally taste the prune puree that was supposed to go in there in place of oil. “Oh, don’t worry, the chocolate will totally overpower the prunes, you won’t even notice them!” (Lies. All lies.) I’ll take the oil, thanks. I don’t mind fat. Really, I don’t. Look at me. I haven’t met a fattening vegan food that I was like “Oh no!!! I can’t eat THAT!!!”

Anyways, the frosting was a tofu based frosting. I have had tofu frosting/mousse before and it was super tasty so I wasn’t opposed to this but for some reason…I dunno…it just wasn’t right.

The cake itself was very moist and chocolaty tasting, but also pruney tasting and too spicy-like. The frosting was too runny and wierd. So, it’s back to the drawing board for me. Next time, more oil, no prunes, no spices AT ALL, and make the tofu mousse and frost with that instead. I’ll let you know how THAT hot mess turns out.

Lunch today consisted of these sweet garden burgers from Trader Joe’s and some delicious edamame, corn, and sesame salad. I was a little worried about how it would turn out, but I was soon eased by the very tangy flavor of the dressing, and lord knows how I love me some corn and edamame. From my previous posts, you remember that sesame seeds make my tummy mad at me, but they are full of calcium so I left them in the recipe.

This recipe was taken from Veganomicon (p. 82) and printed without permission. I had to substitute the corn I had and I had to double the recipe, sort of, so maybe I’ve changed it just enough to not be that butthole that reprints recipes without author permissions. We’ll see. Here’s how I did it-

Dressing:

3 Tbsp toasted sesame oil

2 Tbsp rice vinegar

1 Tbsp tamari

Whisk together in a small bowl while you wait for the salad to cook and chill.

Salad:

1 bag frozen shelled edamame (i think it was a 16 oz bag, and it ended up being a little less than 4 cups)

2 cups frozen fire-roasted corn

3 Tbsp toasted sesame seeds (i toasted them myself in a pan over medium heat for a few minutes)

Bring water to a boil, place edamame carefully in pot and boil fro three minutes. Place frozen corn in pot carefully and boil all for another two minutes. Drain in colander and run under cold water until cool enough to touch. Add the dressing and toss to coat. Add the sesame seeds and toss to coat. Salt to taste. Cover and chill thoroughly. Eat as a side dish or alone, it’s up to you.

These were our dessert after that yummy lunch. Delicious sunny corn blueberry muffins from Vegan With a Vengeance. I used fresh blueberries because they were on sale at Jewel. However, when I tried these with frozen blueberries- way different. I’m going to stick to fresh with this recipe.

So, I hope you enjoyed today’s post. I’m not very interesting as of late and I haven’t had much inspiration to do much of anything at all, really. To be honest, I’m feeling a little put out by life in general so I may not be back for a week or so. We’ll see. Check out the blogs in my blogroll in the meantime. They’re there for a reason. Peace.

Skinny Bitch

Okay, so the other day, I gave a pretty so-so review to the recipe book “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch. ” I’m not going to retract my review because I will always stand by everything I say, no matter who it may annoy. However, I got my copy of “Skinny Bitch” (the book they wrote before the recipe book) today and I must say, I am impressed. They cited their sources for everything, one of their sources being a book I actually own, Diet For a New America by John Robbins.

The book is put into plain language that I can understand and relate to. They use four letter words all over the place, which I personally appreciate, and they tell it like it is, no holds barred. Hey, it is dead, decomposing, rotting flesh in your colon. Just because you call it steak, doesn’t mean it wasn’t at some point in time part of a cow’s ass. Now deal with it.

I think I called the recipe book irrelevant, or something like that. Not true. See now, if my dumb ass would have waited until I got the first book and read it before getting the accompanying recipe book, I would have had different things to say. First of all, these ladies just want you to be healthy as you can possibly be and stop eating animal products at all costs. If you aren’t a home cook and can’t even boil water, have no fear, their recipe book is easy enough for you to figure out. I got all snobby about it because I know how to cook, that’s all. They’re just letting idiots know that they can do something as simple as buying vegan meat and cheese to make sandwiches and every little bit helps. So, my apologies ladies.

I did indeed find a recipe in “Kitch” that is actually my current lunch favorite. Right next to that is my new favorite side dish. I jacked with them a little to make them what I like, so if you read the original recipe it will be slightly different. Enjoy!

Hummus, Tempeh, Cucmber Wrap (pg142)

1 Tbsp canola oil

1/2 tsp garlic powder

2 Tbsp tamari or soy sauce

1 8 oz package tempeh, cut into strips

whole wheat tortillas

1 cup hummus * i used chipotle spiced from Tribe brand- it’s my fave and it adds a kick

1 cucumber, peeled and diced, or sliced into thin discs

1 bag triple washed baby spinach

Heat the canola oil then sautee the tempeh until it is brown on one side, about 5 minutes. Flip it over, then sprinkle the garlic powder and tamari on top of it and get ready for a stinky kitchen. Let it cook for a few more minutes, making sure not to burn the tempeh. Remove from heat. Then you just assemble the wraps. It goes a little something like this, in case you’re a moron and can’t figure it out- tortilla, hummus spread on that, tempeh next, then spinach and cukes. See how easy? and freaking delicious, too. I’m sure you could switch it up to suit your tastes. For instance, the original recipe called for vinaigrette dressing to pour over the top once everything was assembled but I forgot to buy it the first time I made these, then found that these little buggers didn’t need any more flavor. They were delicious without it. The original recipe also called for romaine leaves, but I find them to be of very little nutritive value so I went with spinach. They also used refined coconut oil as their oil of choice for frying and I did use it the first two times I made these, but I SWEAR i could taste the coconut, even though Robert said he couldn’t. So this last time, I passed on the coconut and went with canola. ( I put a link to Robert’s myspace page so you can all know who I’m talking about, since I tend to talk about him a lot. I talk about my husband a lot too, but he thinks myspace is gay, so he doesn’t have one.)

Peanut Noodles (adapted from a recipe in Wonder Time, July/Aug issue, 2008 )

1/2 cup creamy peanut butter (or you could use chunky here, and omit the need for half of the chopped peanuts later)

3 Tbsp balsamic vinegar

1/3 cup orange juice

1 clove garlic, pressed or chopped

1/4 cup tamari or soy sauce

1 Tbsp toasted sesame oil

1 Tbsp grated ginger (use fresh! there’s nothing like it! when you have leftover ginger root, put it in the freezer for later use)

1/4 cup hot water *i used some of the hot pasta water because it contains starch from the pasta that will help this yummy sauce cling to the noodles)

1/2 cup chopped peanuts

1 lb whole wheat, or some other healthy type of thin spaghetti noodles (brown rice spaghetti from Trader Joe’s works here)

1 English cucumber, peeled and diced (or you can use two regular cukes if you can’t find these or don’t care about the seeds)

Whisk together the first nine ingredients and toss with hot pasta. Toss in cucumbers. You won’t believe how the cold cucumber marries well with the warm pasta. The original recipe calls for chopped scallions and cilantro as garnish but I hate both of those, so there. Use if you want to, but I sure as hell won’t be kissing YOU later. Oh, the original recipe also wants you to serve this as a cold dish, but we all decided we liked it better warmed up. It wasn’t as sticky and thick in our mouths.

Together, these two dished were awesome. Lots of veggies, whole grain, and protein. Spectacular!

I’m working on expanding my soup repertoire, so next time, you may see some corn chowder or butternut squash soup. Until next time….

Banana Split Pudding Brownies

I have been craving some chocolate lately, and in a mean, mean way. Since I can’t just run out an buy a candy bar, I have to make my own stuff. Normally, I would bust out my copy of Vegan Cupcakes Take Over The World, close my eyes, hold out my finger and randomly pick a recipe (then flip around until I found something I REALLY wanted to make). However, I was in the mood for something a little more…fudgey. Not to mention we had a bunch of brown bananas that needed to go away as they were housing a colony of fruit flies on my damn windowsill. So, I opened my bent, dirty, sticky copy of Vegan With a Vengeance and found this heaven sent jumble of words. I’m not sure why they are called Banana Split Pudding Brownies, they were more like fudgey brownies with a creamy banana topping, but they were awesome nonetheless. Another home run by Isa. Love you, girl.

As usual, I made some adjustments to my liking and to how I do things, so if you see things differently here as to what’s in the book, get over it. I think next time I make these, though, I will put them in a smaller pan, maybe 9×9, and bake them longer. I’ll let you know how that turns out. Here they are-

For the brownies-

4 oz semi sweet chocolate chopped, or 4 oz mini chips

2 large overripe bananas, mashed

1/3 cup canola oil

1 cup sugar

1 tsp vanilla

3/4 cup flour

1/4 cup cocoa powder

1/4 tsp baking soda

1/8 tsp salt

For the topping-

2 large overripe mashed bananas

2 Tbsp sugar

1/4 cup soy milk *i used vanilla soy milk, it was all I had. Boooo….

1/2 tsp vanilla

1 Tbsp arrowroot powder

For decoration and even more banana yumminess-

1 ripe, but not too ripe banana, sliced

Oven at 350. Spray a 9×13 pan with no-stick.

For the brownies…melt the chocolate chips in a small glass bowl in the microwave for one minute. Stir until smooth, set aside. Meanwhile, in a large bowl, mix bananas, oil and sugar with your hand held mixer until well combined. Mix in vanilla and melted chocolate. In a separate bowl, mix together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Add this to the banana mixture in batches and blend completely, but you know, as usual, don’t over mix.

In a small bowl, combine all topping ingredients and beat until well combined, about a minute.

Spread brownie mixture evenly in baking pan. pour banana topping over that and spread evenly. Bake for 30 minutes. Let cool for 15, then move to fridge until fully cooled. To the left is what mine looked like when they came out of the oven. Cut into twelve portions, top with sliced bananas and serve. YUM. I actually cut them into 24 portions and there was no evil uprising. I kept them in the fridge because, I dunno, they just seemed like a fridge type thing. Her directions say to top with sliced bananas, place on plate, and eat with a fork but after cutting them smaller and refrigerating them, totally not necessary. The extra bananas are totally up to you.

Here they are again as smaller bars and with a movie I watched last night that I frigging loved to little bloody pieces. Best line ever- “You two took away everything I ever loved. Fuck you both.” Lucky Number Slevin. Go rent it.

So, my review of “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch” is going to be kinda negative. If this was a book you liked, well, you should buy better vegan cookbooks, truthfully. I didn’t hate it, let’s be honest, if I wrote a cookbook, it would have the kind of mean-spirited butthole-ishness that this one has. As I put in my previous post, one of the pages in the book states, and I quote, “There’s nothing more annoying that recipes with a million obscure ingredients.” Agreed. But then some of their recipes call for stuff like kelp powder, or refined coconut oil to the tune of $16 for 16 ounces. OUCH! Evaporated cane sugar? I couldn’t find that crap anywhere. A good portion of their recipes consist of things like “vegan cheese, vegan turkey lunch meat, vegan chicken cutlets, etc.” You know, the kind of stuff I could have figured out for myself, for pete’s sake. I was not impressed. Sigh….

I think maybe this book was made for girls who don’t know how to cook and just got into the whole vegan thing. In that respect, I can dig it. But if you are a seasoned home cook, like I am, this book won’t cut it. No offense ladies. However! I have found one recipe that I am willing to try and I will post/bitch about it in a few days.

Until then, have a good one! I know I will. I get to spend tomorrow night in Chicago while my daughter is at the Good Charlotte(gag) show. I’m going to see the Hulk and then it’s off to Veggie Bite or Joy’s Noodles. Probably Veggie Bite. I effing love their shakes. Woot.

Wheat-free Blueberry Pancakes

An old man awoke before sunrise to see a youth standing at water’s edge, heaving a starfish back into the ocean. He asked the youth what was the purpose of his effort. The youth replied that the tide had washed all the starfish onto the beach and they can’t get back to the ocean by themselves. If they don’t get back into the ocean before sunrise they will die, he said. Upon further surveying of the situation, the old man saw the beach was littered with starfish in numbers beyond calculation. The hopelessness of the effort became clear and the old man told the youth that there were more starfish than he could ever hope to save before the sun comes up, and that surely he could not make a difference. The youth paused briefly to consider the old man’s words then bent to pick up a starfish and threw it as far as possible. He turned to the old man and said, “I made a difference to that one.”

The reason I am telling you this story is because I go through something similar quite often with friends and family members on a weekly basis and I’m getting a little tired of it. “Oh you couldn’t possibly make any kind of a difference to the situation! Blah!” However, according to PETA’s website, and I quote, “every vegetarian saves the lives of a hundred animals per year.” Now, considering how much meat my kids and I ate before going veg, I’m going to bump that number up. In fact, I think most people eat much more meat that. So suck it, omnivorous pricks.

I chose this recipe because I wanted to experiment with all the flours I went out and bought. It is a mix of Isa’s wheat free mix that I found on the PPK forum, the pancake batter mix I found in “eat, drink, and be vegan” and the blueberry pancake mix I found in “vegan with a vengeance.” It has a lot of different flours in it so that may be a problem for those on a budget but the thing is, when you bake for gluten-free folks, you have to use a bunch of different flours because each one does something different in the recipe. I don’t know much about chemistry but I know when things taste like sawdust.

Wheat-free Blueberry Pancakes

3 Tbsp tapioca flour

1 Tbsp ground flax seed

1/4 cup

1/3 cup plus 2 Tsbp white rice flour

1/3 cup plus 2 Tbsp quinoa flour

3/4 tsp cinnamon **this helps mask the ‘earthy’ taste of these. don’t leave it out.

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp baking powder

1/3 cup water

1 1/4 cups soy or rice milk **I used almond milk

1 tsp vanilla

2 Tbsp pure maple syrup **at $6 per 8 oz, I just use regular cheapy syrup and my stuff tastes fine

1 cup fresh or frozen blueberries, doesn’t matter. **I used frozen because that’s always what I have

Mix the holy crap out of this stuff. Since there’s no gluten, you don’t have to worry about them getting all tough on you, but you do have to worry about everything getting distributed evenly. I read somewhere that you should add xanthan gum to wheat-free baked goods and I bought a bag of it, but I forgot to add it. So add at your own risk, if you want. Anyways, cook them in a fry pan greased up like a pig at a county fair. You know how to do that, right? I don’t have to walk you through it? Cool. Top your pancakes with this stuff-

Celestial Cream

1/2 cup to 3/4 cup pure maple syrup **again, too expensive! the cheapy stuff works fine! If you’re watching your sugar or cutting back on processed crap, then yeah, use the expensive stuff.

1/2 cup vegan margarine (earth balance or smart balance light)

1 tsp vanilla

12 oz silken tofu, like Mori-nu

1/4 tsp salt

Heat syrup and margarine on low heat until margarine melts. Add vanilla, tofu and salt. Place in blender and blend until smooth. Delicious!!! ***I actually just threw all this in a blender instead of heating it up. Still yummy!

So I hope you enjoy these. I have a recipe for vegan pancakes that just has plain old flour but what fun is that?

Oh, and a preemptive strike into “skinny bitch” and “skinny bitch in the kitch.” First of all, in “kitch,” the authors state that they know how much it blows when you have a recipe that has a bunch of goofy ingredients that are hard as hell to find. However, these broads want you to run out and buy refined coconut oil ($15.99!!!), safflower oil, kelp powder, and shit like that. Come on, ladies. Let’s keep it real, shall we? I’m still determined to find a couple of recipes that I like and can use more than once so keep your fingers crossed.

Until then, have a fabulous day!!

Open Sesame!

So, I decided to venture out of my Isa/Terry cocoon and onto the Vegan Planet. (That was a crappy segue, I apologize.) Don’t get me wrong, I love these babes with all my heart and I would never say a bad word about them. Once in a while, though, I want to look at other recipes. I want to check out other vegan cookbooks. It’s not their fault, i swear. It’s not them, it’s me. They’ll understand…………….right?

This book is just as amazing as Veganomicon, I must say. Not quite as entertaining, but it has things like sauces and chutneys and even a gremolata that you can make yourself and I like that kind of recipe. I hate stuff like vegan sour cream, and vegan cheese. Gross!! Also, there’s nothing worse than buying a vegan cookbook and all the recipes contain wierdo ingredients or stuff that costs eighty dollars an ounce. (Not that Vcon does that, don’t misunderstand, please.) I’m a cheapskate, or as I like to refer to myself, parsimonious. Oh, and I’m super lazy. Ask anyone. Here’s the food…

This recipe is packed with calcium so if you’re looking to put more of the bone-strengthening mineral in your diet, this is for you. Plus, it says ‘three-way’ in the title. Yeah, baby.

Three-way Sesame-coated Tofu Strips with Spicy Broccoli (pg. 341)

2 1/2 cups broccoli florets

1/4 tahini

2 Tbsp tamari or soy sauce

1/3 cup water

1 cup sesame seeds

1 lb xt firm tofu, drained and cut into 1/2 in. by 1/2 in. strips

2 Tbsp peanut oil

1/2 tsp crushed red pepper flakes

2 tsp toasted sesame oil

Steam the broccoli only about 3 minutes, until tender-crisp. Immerse into cold water to keep that beautiful green color. Drain and set aside.

Heat 1 Tbsp of the peanut oil in a skillet over medium heat.

In a small shallow bowl combine the tahini, 1 Tbsp of the tamari and enough water to make a smooth paste. Place the sesame seeds on a plate. Dredge each tofu strip in the tahini first, then coat with the sesame seeds.

Working in batches, add tofu strips and cook on each side until lightly browned, about five minutes total.

Once tofu is done cooking, heat remaining Tbsp of oil in skillet and place broccoli with the red pepper flakes. Stir-fry until hot, about two minutes. Splash with the remaining 1 Tbsp of tamari.

Place broccoli and tofu together on platter and drizzle with the toasted sesame oil. Serve hot.

*****I needed more peanut oil for frying, and more time to cook. My stuff was not browned after three minutes on one side. I also don’t have toasted sesame oil, for Pete’s sake, I’m not Martha! So there was no drizzle at all. Boo hoo.

This was delicious hot off the pan but only so-so reheated the next day. Either halve the recipe if it’s not all going to get eaten or prepare to NOT be dazzled at lunch the next day, like I wasn’t. Pictured is what mine looked like. It tasted pretty awesome but my intestinal tract was angry with me for a few days. Apparently, it doesn’t get along with sesame seeds.

Hooray! I got Skinny Bitch in the mail today! I have been reading and trying to decide what to make, so my next post will include a review and a recipe. Until then…

Viva La Vengeance!!

Low Fat Cupcakes

By their very nature, I’m not sure if cupcakes were meant to be low fat. Most of them have twice as much frosting as a slice of cake, and that’s a-okay with me. When I eat sweets, I know how fattening they are, how bad for me, how, whatever the heck it is, it’s going right to my midsection, or perhaps my ass. I know this, you see, and it has yet to stop me from eating what I want, when I want it.

However, my cooking goddesses have come up with a low fat vanilla cupcake recipe that I immediately knew I had to try, and this is it. I tried to follow the recipe to the letter but decided I would do one better and remove the oil completely and up the applesauce a bit. I learned years ago from every female baker in my family and life that you can replace fat in your baking with a few different options, and the one that worked best for me was applesauce. However, I’m not so sure about this glaze. I kinda want frosting. No nagging please.

Oh, and before I get to the recipe, I saw The Happening last night. I liked it. A lot. Something else I need you to NOT nag me about. So far, I have loved all of M. Night Shyamalan’s movies. That includes The Village, mainly because I’d like to climb on top of Adrien Brody. I mean the movie was good and all but I could stare at that nose all day. If you put him in a movie where all he did was ride a bicycle for two hours, I’d pay to see it. Am I creepy? Possibly. But the movie was…relevant. Interesting. Thought-provoking. We talked about it the whole car ride home and here I am thinking and talking about it again. I know some people will see it and hate it, as my friend Marilee did, but she has bad taste in movies. She liked Freddie Got Fingered, for chrissake.

Anyways- the cupcakes. they were so-so, and it’s not because of the recipe that was given to me in Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World, it’s because I jacked with it. I didn’t have, nor could i find- plain soy yogurt, so I had to use strawberry soy yogurt. Mistake number one.

Then it became necessary to use sliced strawberries instead of the plump, juicy, delectable raspberries they have pictured. Dumb idea. I also decided to screw with their glaze a bit. I wasn’t happy with it being just a glaze so i tried to convert it by adding 2 tbsp of Smart Balance vegan light margarine into the mix along with a little more powdered sugar. God, what a nightmare of epic proportions!!

It wouldn’t stay still, it kept running over the sides of the cupcakes. So, here I’m thinking I’m going to get one up on these little buggers by putting chopped fresh strawberries on top hoping it will keep the glaze/weak frosting in place. WRONG-O. The sugar drew every gram of juice out of all the berries and it drizzled down over the sides and made a huge fricking mess on my counter. Blagh!!! To top it all off, i used these cheapass fricking wrappers i got from a friend for my birthday and upon removal, they also took HALF the cupcake with it!!!! Anger abounds!

This is what they look like up close. Pretty huh? Well, I had to throw out more than half of them because they made me want to gag heartily. The strawberries kept sliding off the tops of the cupcakes and getting lost on my shirt, stepped on by my toddler, and eaten, then thrown up, by my dog. I wanted to rub dirt into my own eyeballs as it surely must have been a more pleasurable experience than these cupcakes.

Suffice it to say, I will stick to the recipe. I will fall into line. I do it under protest, but I do it. I want my things to come out great, not tasting like play-doh. Here it is….

1/2 cup vanilla soy yogurt   * i had to use strawberry, it was all i could find

2/3 cup vanilla or plain soy milk

1/4 cup applesauce   * i upped this to 1/2

3 Tbsp canola oil  * i nixed this

3/4 cup sugar

1 1/2 tsp vanilla

1 1/4 cup AP flour

2 Tbsp cornstarch

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/4 tsp salt

Oven at 350. Mix wet. Mix dry. Mix together. Pour into lined muffin tin, then bake for 22-24 minutes. Let cool completely then make this glaze:

1 cup confectioners sugar

1 to 3 Tbsp soy milk

1/2 cup seedless spreadable fruit or other preserves

1 cup fresh berries, washed, patted dry, sliced if necessary

Mix confectioners sugar with 1 Tbsp of soy milk using a whisk. It will resemble a thick paste. Carefully drizzle in the rest of the soy milk a tsp at a time until the mixture resembles runny cake batter. If too watery, add more confectioners sugar a Tbsp at a time.

Spread the top of the cupcake with the a thin layer of spreadable fruit. Spoon a tiny circle of the icing into the center of the fruit spread, on top of it. Decorate with fresh fruit then drizzle more icing on top.

If only I had followed the directions. If only I had not been a cheap ass and just bought the damn raspberries already. I’m certain these would have been heaven. I really suck at baking sometimes.

Oh, and I just got Skinny Bitch in the mail. I heard it sucks so you’ll get  a full review on my next post, which will also include me cooking from, gasp, OTHER vegan cookbooks.

Until next time, please do good in your life…somehow.

Falafel- yum!

First and foremost- this broad is H-I-L-arious. Go here and read her stuff. If you’re easily offended, well too freaking bad. She swears, she yells about people who are stupid- she does all the things I wanna do but get in trouble for when I do them. People tend to hold you to a higher standard when you’re a mom but I still make fart jokes and I call my fifteen year old daughter a douche bag. I’m going to try real hard not to swear(too much) because this site links to my business site and I don’t want to scare away money, but she has inspired me to be a little more…myself. And if THAT scares away money, well, you’re probably a huge pain in the ass I don’t want to deal with you anyway. Honestly, uptight people who offend easily should never come around me.

Plus, I totally agree with her about the Tina Fey stuff. Tina’s funny and all, but I expected ‘Mean Girls’ to be way funnier. I did totally love Janitor from Scrubs (one of my favorite TV shows of all time) as the dad, so here’s my shout out to good casting.

To the food!! I made this fantastic falafel(p98 ) from Vegan With a Vengeance. To your left, is my daughter enjoying hers. And in case anyone’s wondering, yes, I DO own other vegan cookbooks. In fact, I have two more coming from Amazon so don’t get your panties in a twist about it. I just happen to love these broads and I’m hoping that if they get enough press, they can get their butts on the Food Network and open the world’s eyes to good food that is cruelty-free. I’m sick and tired of people asking me where I get my protein and “what do you eat anyway?” Me- “Oh, you know, rocks, sticks, grass. I found some flowers the other day and sauteed them with garlic.” What idiots, I can hardly stand it sometimes. Here’s the recipe-

2 cups cooked chickpeas (i used two cans and drained and rinsed them)

1/4 c whole wheat bread crumbs (NOT Italian style, which is all i have, and it has parm cheese in it, so i had to used an old dried up heel of bread that i tossed in the blender. But if you’re not vegan then go nuts with it, girl! Or boy!)

2 Tbsp AP flour

1 medium sized onion chopped (I hate onions so I only used 1/4 of an onion, for flavor)

2 cloves chopped garlic

1/2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp cumin

1 tsp coriander (I left this out because I hate cilantro/coriander)

1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

1/4 c chopped fresh, Italian flat-leaf parsley

1/2 tsp salt

a few grinds of fresh ground black pepper

veg oil for frying (I used corn oil)

Pita breads sliced in half to make pockets(I used 100% whole wheat), sliced tomatoes(you may want to leave these off with the current salmonella outbreak and all), lettuce(I didn’t bother since eating lettuce is pointless for me- I may as well put it directly into the toilet), red onion(which I hate so no go on these either), sliced cucumber, and tahini dressing.

Put everthing up until the veggie oil into a food processor. Scrape down the sides occasionally, but make sure you have a nice pasty consistency. Put it into a bowl, cover and refrigerate for about an hour or until it firms up a bit. I ended up leaving mine in there for two days because I had to work and didn’t have time. I assumed it would take a long time but I guess i didn’t really realize all i was making was a damn sandwich.

Put your oil in the pan to heat up. Take the bowl out of the fridge, make about 16 little balls then flatten them into patties. I have large fry pans so I was able to make them in two batches of 8. Place in the oil and let sit until they get brown on the bottom, you will be able to see the brownness. Very carefully, flip them over and cook another 3 minutes or so. Maybe 5, who knows. I wasn’t counting, I just waited until I saw brown. The book says 2 1/2 to 3 minutes per side. You do what you want. I sure did.

When they come out of the oil, place them onto paper towels for draining and your best bet here is to eat immediately. Although, i ended up having two later on that I had to micro and they weren’t bad at all, just not crispy, and I think the crispness is what you’re going for here. Oh, and I’m thinking of renaming them Crabby Patties since I’m an old grump and my little peanut loves Spongebob. She may just eat them, you know?

Then you put them into pita breads that you have already spread with tahini. You put tomato, lettuce, onion and cucumber in there too. I used two patties per sammie but you can make it more veggie-based by just using one pattie and filling that pita up with the toppers. Yum! these were fantastic! I thought they would be hard and a pain in the arse but not so much! Just mix the stuff up, chill it, make patties, fry it, then assemblage of sammies. I served them with homemade guacamole but I don’t feel like posting the recipe since all i really did was throw an avocado into the magic bullet with some lime juice, jalapeno, cumin, salt, pepper, and garlic. Just pretend there are pictures, okay? Thanks.

Also, this thing rules the school for chopping. It is god, really. God. It was given to me by my hubby’s grandma because she heard me talking about how i wanted to buy one. It would have only been twenty bucks, and I’ll tell you what- for as much chopping as i do on a daily effing basis, I love this thing, totally worth it. You should spend the twenty bucks. They were at Bed, Bath, and Beyond last I checked. It has a smaller blade for garlic, or just smaller onions I suppose. I hate chopping onions. Don’t you? Ick.

Here’s what I had for breakfast for the last three days. It was simply scrumptious. I sauteed in a large pan one Tbsp of corn oil, one package of extra firm tofu crumbled, a cup of Morningstar Farms vegan sausage crumbles, a tsp of cumin, half cup of Trader Joe’s fire roasted corn, salt and pepper. I spread some Earth Balance on a piece of toast and away I went! It fed me for three days!! And it was awesome!!! I have always loved my eggs soft-scrambled(but not runny, that’s just gross) so this was perfect for me! I’m going to make it again, thank you very much!!!

Until next time, kiddies….

Tiramisu cuppies, garlic soup, Trader Joe’s and Veggie Bite!!

I’m not gonna lie…I’ve never like tiramisu very much. It’s just not chocolaty enough for me. In fact, the only chocolate in there is a lame dusting of cocoa powder on top. Blah. The first time I had it was when my mother and I went to eat at a restaurant in Colorado while visiting my brother about 13 years ago. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was sorely disappointed, let’s just put that out there.

Last week, my best friend Robert went to a wedding in California. I told him that when he got back, I would make him the tiramisu cupcakes(p119) from Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World. So, these are for you, gayhole.

You are making the basic vanilla cupcakes(p33) but doing things to the cupcake afterward to make it all tiramisu-y.

1 cup soy milk

1 tsp cider vinegar

1 1/4 c ap flour

2 Tbsp cornstarch

3/4 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp salt

1/3 c canola oil

3/4 sugar

2 tsp vanilla extract

1/4 tsp almond extract

Put the soy milk aside with the cider vinegar to curdle, making it our version of buttermilk. This should only take about 5 minutes. Next, mix wet ingredients into it. Mix dry stuff separately, then mix it all together until there are no large lumps. As always, and you’ve heard it a million times, DO NOT overmix. Please.

Fill your lined muffin tins about 3/4 full or until you’ve used all the batter to make 12 cuppies. Bake for 20 minutes, maybe 22 if your oven is a jerk. Let cool.

I did not let mine cool completely, instead, I only let them cool for about 15 minutes. Then I cut out a cone shape with a paring knife. One of the only good uses for a paring knife, I believe. (How often do you use that thing? I mean, come on.)

Next, I made the cream cheese frosting(p158).

1/4 earth balance (or any non-hydrogenated vegan margarine)

1/4 vegan cream cheese, i used toffutti

2 c powdered sugar

1 tsp vanilla

Cream margie and toffutti until fluffy, add vanilla, add powdered sugar. Bam! This didn’t taste very cream cheese-y to me, but it was still the shiz, so I’m keeping it.

I then mixed 1/3 cup Starbuck’s coffee liqueur with 1/3 cup water and 3 tsps of instant coffee mixed and microwaved. I wanted it strong, yo!! (You can use any coffee liqueur, really.) And for my straight edge friends, obviously if you omit this, add more of the extra strong coffee, probably espresso powder instead of coffee would be better. And if you have an espresso machine…well, you rule. Use that instead. And marry me, please.

You put about 2 Tbsp of this into the cavity of each cupcake, make sure it’s nice and soggy. Believe me, you want to taste the coffeeness. Pipe in your cream cheese frosting, and the replace the cone once you have dipped it into that coffee ooze. Use your sifter to dust a mixture of 1 tsp cinnamon and 1 tsp cocoa powder over the tops of these.

These were amazing. I am totally hurting my shoulder patting myself on the back right now, but they were THAT good.

I also went to a place called Veggie Bite today and had the most amazing chocolate shake. My friend lives right by the one on 111th (which I had no idea of) in Chicago so I told her i would be visiting her more often. Even she, the veal and pate loving omnivore said, and I quote, “I am really impressed with how good this shake is right now.” Then she proceeded to argue with me- right in the joint- as to why cow’s milk is totally normal and good for you and okay to drink. Sigh. And she’s in law school, ya’ll. Don’t ya just love lawyers? They can rationalize anything.

And Trader Joe’s- what’s that all about?? I went there like ten years ago and forgot it even existed for while but I went back today. I wanted to take a picture of my receipt because, seriously, everything I bought was like two dollars. Seriously. I will be shopping there from now on. I think it’s totally worth the 25 minutes drive.

Oh, and I made this kickass garlic and white bean soup from Vegan With a Vengeance(p67). I served it with crusty wheat artisan (vegan) bread. It had just enough fennel to NOT be overpowering, because I totally hate that black licorice crap flavor, and I got to put my immersion blender to work. That poor thing has been collecting dust for far too long. Even my omni hubby loved this hearty and filling soup! But really, who wouldn’t like two whole bulbs of garlic roasted then squeezed and blended into soup? Especially these crazy eye-talians I find myself suddenly related to!

Until next time…vengeance is mine!! Oh, and so is the falafel.

Vcon or die!

Not really, but you know what I mean.

First things first, congratulations to my 8th grader who graduated this past Monday. Woot! I made these cupcakes. They and the frosting were vegan but of course the Ghirardelli caramel squares, mini Reese’s peanut butter cups, mini M&Ms, and fruit by the foot were not.

Back to Vcon. I love this book. I decided to go back and read some of the reviews on Amazon for Veganomicon and I gotta tell ya, most of them are spot on. Great recipes, easy to read, FUN to read, etc. Of course there were a couple who didn’t care for it, one lady saying all the recipes she tried turned out terrible (to which I personally would say, “news flash! you suck at cooking!”) and one guy who said everything was too complicated and the recipes weren’t healthy, calling most vegans chubby. Really? Are you sure? And here I figured a diet of fruits, vegetables, and grains would be good for you. What on earth was I thinking? Douchebag.

Oh, one other person pointed out some misprints and typos and I did actually find a couple of my own, but we can’t all be perfect. And honestly, if you don’t know your way around a kitchen enough to figure out what might be missing, you should probably just stick to eating at IHOP.

Today’s dinner consisted of the ‘braised seitan with sun dried tomatoes and kale’ (p182) recipe. I scrapped the sietan since I have a gluten sensitivity (more on that later) and instead, used my favorite alterna-protein, tempeh. It was pretty easy to make. I happen to really like the one pot dishes, being that I am a lazy piece of crap. Hey man, until my dishwasher gets put in and hooked up, I’m not doing any more dishes than I frigging well have to.

I also made the ‘polenta with broccoli’ (p114) recipe but instead of broccoli, I used a bag of frozen mixed ‘california vegetables’ and i used my

muffin tin (no shortage of those around here!) to mold them into individual servings. I then broiled them to reheat them.

Oh, and I also made the ‘parsnip chips’ (p183) recipe. Yum! They were great! I’ve never had a parsnip before so I was leary (sp?) at first, but they smelled wonderful, so I came around, of course.

So, this gluten sensitivity…it started when I was pregnant. It didn’t stop after I gave birth. Now, when I have one or two cupcakes, it’s not THAT bad, because let’s face it- one cup of flour divided by twelve does not make for too horrible a tummy ache. However, seitan…I’m just asking for trouble. Bathroom trouble, that is. So no more sietan for me. Too bad, because there’s a shirt I want with an inverted pentagram that says ‘praise seitan.’ Oh well.

Speaking of shirts, I did some t-shirt shopping recently. I have decided to give my money to people who will use it for greater good. I already know that Target does this, as they constantly pat their own backs about it. This one to your left I bought for my husband because when he saw that I bought it for my daughter, he gave it such a…longing look. It was only $12.99 and it is AWESOME, isn’t it? Who doesn’t love Rock Band? It even has a bunch of hands throwing up the devil horns! You gotta love that stuff. I know I do. Plus, Target now has a whole line of organic cotton stuff. Yips all around.

Lately, I’m really into Herbivore clothing. I bought two shirts from them along with a lot of buttons and stickers. I’m not huge fan of American Apparel shirts, which is what they use, but I do like that the reason they aren’t using anything else is because America is too fat. “Most T-shirt manufacturers are increasing the size of their sizes to fit an ever expanding public. Our manufacturer is sticking to the sizing styles from the 70’s and 80’s. So if you’re used to jumbo Fruit of the Loom or Hanes T-shirts, know that ours are a bit smaller.”And that’s a direct quote from the website.

Next, I will buy something from the Peta website, even though sometimes I think they can be a bit scary in their tactics. Do what you gotta do, I always say. I kinda like the really gross one that says ‘would you like fries with that?‘ but they only make it in dude style and I need boob room. I’m definitely getting their little green V for vegan pin. Just because.

Before I stopped shopping at Wal-mart (see ‘Wal-mart:The High Cost of Low Price) I bought a couple of shirts that were allegedly organic transitional cotton. I’m trying-against Stacy and Clinton’s wishes- to have an entire lot of shirts that say stuff on them. You know, environmental stuff. Vegan stuff. Ecological stuff. And etcetera. I don’t have a ‘real job’ or any reason to go get what my friend Natalie calls ‘big girl clothes,’ but when I do, I can always give these to my kids who will probably be blessed with the same giant boobs I have been ‘blessed’ with.

Until next time, with a vengeance!

L’Opera Cake, or pain in my butt cake

Hi. This was the Opera Cake we were supposed to for the Month of May’s Daring Baker’s Challenge. Good lord was this thing tedious. And I don’t even get to eat it! The point of the challenge is to step outside your comfort zone and be ‘daring,’ get it smarty?

So for this I bought a candy thermometer($15), almond meal($12), parchment paper($5), and used an entire dozen of eggs($3). This cake took me two days to make and one extra day to assemble. Oh, and warning- this cake is NOT vegan. I didn’t even try to veganize this, although you can go here to see a pretty damn good version of one. If you wanna know the history of Opera Cake, I’m going to have to refer you to Cakespy, she’s fabulous and did a whole thing about it’s origins and all that. I’m too lazy to do any actual investigating. Sorry.

I know it’s supposed to have a lot of almond and espresso flavors so I stuck with that. The cake part is ground almonds, or almond meal. I halved the recipe, otherwise it makes an enormous cake, so it only used a quarter cup of flour. I soaked it with the sugar syrup mixed with Starbuck’s coffee liqueur. I made the chocolate mousse with bittersweet chocolate. I made the buttercream also with Starbuck’s coffee liqueur. I did my layering as such- cake, sugar syrup, buttercream, mousse, etc. On the top I glazed it with white chocolate ganache, then drew some fun little musical notes and finished with “L’Opera.” See what I mean? Tedious with a capital T.

It sure looks pretty, doesn’t it? I’m donating it to my friend’s cousin’s bridal shower and I’m not even sure if I want to put my card with it, just in case. I mean, at one point, I’m supposed to use that thermometer mentioned earlier in some boiling sugar and water to help make the buttercream (??) and it got a little crunchy. Oh well. Either they’re going to love it, or hate it.

So, today was supposed to be grilled veggie day, but with the rain and all, it turned into muffaletta day. A muffaletta is a traditional Italian meats and cheeses sandwich, but since I eat neither of those, I’m turning it into a grilled veggie sammie. At least that’s what Giada and Rachel always make theirs with. Oh, and some gross looking olive salad that I’m not a fan of. I use giardinara instead. So….I guess It’s not muffaletta day after all. Oh well.

I used my tabletop grill to make it, panini-style. There were asparagus, yellow squash, zucchini, eggplant, portabella mushrooms, and red and green peppers. And why doesWordPress always red-underline my Italian food words? I think it’s about time they updated their lexicon.

These were the kale chips i made to go with the sandwiches. How yummy! I got the idea from the Melisser at The Urban Housewife. Thanks woman! They were fab-o!

Here is my daughter with her new zebra pants from angry, young, and poor. Ironically these pants were damn near $60. Isn’t she adorable? And the shirt says “this girl can work it.” From me for Christmas. That’s right, I rule.

Oh, and just a quick note- if you want me to add you to my blogroll, fine. But how about a little common courtesy and putting me in yours? I had some requests for listings and when I went to check out the blogs, no reciprocity. What’s up with that? The people who are in my blogroll now, either have me in theirs, or they just have a rockin’ ass blog that needs to be seen whether or not they give a hoot about mine or not. Needless to say, I did some deleting.

Rock on and do it with a vengeance!!